Skip to main content

I am Tired! (Results after Child Abuse/Trauma/Dissociative)

so tired.... so tired.....
I don't want to live any more.

I am so tired.

I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal.

Some would say I have ....

I have done so good...

I have made progress...

My life is better...

It is always getting better...

but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work.

A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand.....

Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up.

What reason do I have to fight?



I love God. I know He is real, I know He is true. I wish everyone could stop playing games, spending money, living it up, partying, foolishly living... ignoring that God is real. He has helped me so much, and because I fail doesn't mean He fails.... there is only so much that can be corrected in one lifetime. We reap what we sow....
I think I can, but find out I can't.

I did my best. I have always tried. I have been so lonely.... struggling through life alone, no one can carry this weight and for some reason I don't really understand God does not magically take it all away and make it all better, and make me a "good, normal, productive, acceptable, usable person".. ......

I am damaged, refuge, trouble.

Toss me on the landfill heap.... drop me in the broken toy box...kick me to the curb....toss me on the bond-fire....

Why do some people get to live to die for Christ, and others die trying to live for Christ?

I guess the ones who live to die for Christ are capable enough to live for Him and people like me are redeemed but should feel lucky enough to live in a "safe" place... a place on the outside that no one beats up anymore... no one torments or tortures.... why is that not enough?

It is enough for me alone.... but when I have a husband, children.... they deserve so much better and more... they don't deserve me... I will never be what they want or deserve... I will always be a loser, an embarrassment, a problem...

But I am not going to let my inabilities get in the way of my husband being able to succeed in life, I wont hold him back anymore, I can't. He deserves a chance to live to his fullest. I want to let him have this chance.

So many times I hoped for someone to be able to come along side me and help me be the mom and wife I knew I wanted to be and for them needed to be........... but no one is able to do this, people are busy, people have their own lives and families and most of all, people like being happy.....

I am a problem person, confusing, unpredictable, unstable, unable....

I know many people love me, they care.... I know some people think I am strong, I have fought the good fight, but I am tired of fighting the good fight.... I can't keep clawing up the snowbank when an avalanche keeps falling on me and covering me up. I am tired of digging myself out of mess. It is my fault, I get into the mess, I think I can but find out I can't. I will never learn..... so I am cut off, misunderstood, tossed away to the trash heap. Not needed. Complicated. A problem..... "pity her family" "say a prayer for her" "stay a safe distance" " she means well"

I am so tired!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

We always love to have reader input, feedback, thoughts.

Popular posts from this blog

Weak and Selfish - I am That Girl

The preacher says we are all the body of Christ...that each member is necessary, a part that functions in unison with all others, but God, in this life--in our time spent on earth--in present day local churches, this is not really true. It sounds good, repeated over and over, because the Bible says so and therefore we all should. But churches seek the best, the ones that fit their mold, the ones who meet their mission, the one that helps their goal. They keep track of numbers, saving all the souls, running them through baptism, collecting them in the fold. But those of us with broken parts, not shiny like the rest, we hear what no one else hears, we feel words with our soul, we sense when something isn't right, therefore we get left out in the cold. Who wants to work with such a pain, she is trouble where she goes, she stirs the pot and sifts for truth, she sees the thorns and not the rose. Why can't she just be silent, "if you don't like...
5 comments
Read more

I Want To Be Normal

I want to help others but I can't help myself. I love and know God and trust Him too, but that doesn't stop my brain from being a jumbled mess.  Jumbled thoughts can be pretty! Scattered thoughts keep bombarding me.  I feel like a rattle-head.  I think I wrote once about this before, being a rattle-head . And it was the least-read post...Even I couldn't relate to it much after the episode passed. I have cried out to God for help this morning and for the past two days. I have gone to others for prayer and carefully, with exercising great inner control tried to explain to my family of three teens and my dear husband (I almost didn't want to say dear, oh, how hard it can be on a marriage--to twirl out of control and to not know why or how to make the top stop spinning). I don't know what pushed the top into its first spin.  And that is part of the problem I can't think clearly. I can't remember even simple things.  It is like the f...
5 comments
Read more

Another Lost Day! (Life after child abuse trauma)

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...
3 comments
Read more