Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

I wrote this the day I turned 49, almost a year ago.... last week. I have waited so long to post it. I am not sure why I needed the time ... between the words spilling out and feeling comfortable publishing the post. But since I have just read over the words and like I am reading someone else's memory... I guess it is safely time to post. And last week I turned 50, just another happy day. ____________________________________________________ I received a birthday present today. I am forty-nine. While I don't feel old in my soul or spirt - not even my mind (except for the fact that I have read so much, I have to be old), I can now see OLD when I look in the mirror.  I wonder if this happens to every person that lives a long time. For such so many years, I had a permanent internal picture of what I looked like. I didn't age a day past 20. When I looked into the mirror, I looked like me - the young me I had always known. It must be telling that I had the abi...

Life has been very hard recently... many incredibly painful life situations: a suicide of a very young man - planning to be married to a dear friends' daughter releasing go of my son and learning how to be a military mom my young daughter has been sick with heart issues for 3 months and continuing rejection that regularly comes with living boldly the death of my husband's dad - the agony of seeing him shriveled up  a criminal who robbed my husband's family home and took everything and family members who lashed out at my husband regarding funeral matters. My heart is heavy... I cry inside without a sound.  Why do I feel so deeply? I can't go backwards... I can't stuff or put my emotions on a shelf to deal with later... I can't compartmentalize like so many can. I simply feel deeply. What I see, people's words, actions and even non-actions... they scream loud and clear to my soul.  Overloaded. Saturated.  I was at a loss ...

Leave me alone, I am in pain. I don't need to be around people, I am in pain. People hurt me, I am in pain. I do not get hurt by books, by food, by clouds and rainbows. Or cats, and clothes, or trees that blow in the wind.... No,  just by those I think are friends. People hurt me; they don't understand me. My arms feel so heavy underneath, I know this is the first sign of overload. My heart has a hole, pierced one to many times in life. My eyes are filled with drops of sorrow, sadness and regret. My mouth is tight, clenched, frozen, no words want to go. Why am I different? Why do I have to hurt so much, all the time, so easily, by so many.... So many days, so many people, so many ways. When does my cup of torment forever filled up to be more than "enough"? Is it because I so love You, God, that I am such a target of your enemy? "But you have not endured blood sweat tears," the wise one jeers. "God will never give you more ...

The preacher says we are all the body of Christ...that each member is necessary, a part that functions in unison with all others, but God, in this life--in our time spent on earth--in present day local churches, this is not really true. It sounds good, repeated over and over, because the Bible says so and therefore we all should. But churches seek the best, the ones that fit their mold, the ones who meet their mission, the one that helps their goal. They keep track of numbers, saving all the souls, running them through baptism, collecting them in the fold. But those of us with broken parts, not shiny like the rest, we hear what no one else hears, we feel words with our soul, we sense when something isn't right, therefore we get left out in the cold. Who wants to work with such a pain, she is trouble where she goes, she stirs the pot and sifts for truth, she sees the thorns and not the rose. Why can't she just be silent, "if you don't like...

I am hurt. I am angered. I take Psychiatric Medication. I don't take it because I WANT to take it. I take it because it is the one thing in the world that I have found to stabilize my body and mental functions. People whose body functions normally can shrug off or reject this medication as simply 'all in the mind' and not really necessary. (Sure you can because it doesn't effect you personally. You know not what you speak about.) But people like me - who have tried everything - who have suffered greatly - more deeply than most will  ever be able to understand or even empathize with. People who function completely by their mental and physical strength - often known as willpower-  look at others who can't as weak or less of a persons. But NO, it is quite the opposite! Someone who is willing to face their own weaknesses and able to go completely against the stigma and strong current of accepted social and religious philosophy, and to squarely mak...

It has been a long time since I have written a post in Shattered Glass Life. This is like my personal cave - where I let out my secrets of secrets - the raw rumblings that are ugly sometimes, hateful, and other things that socially trained people know they must hide from the world and often even from themselves. I AM SO ANGRY! I am in pain. I am hurting so deeply, feeling like I have been stabbed in the emotional heart by the sharpest of points. He aimed rightly and pierced me in the most delicate place of my feeling heart. I now know why I don't allow anyone to get in - to release myself to fully embrace another living soul with undying love. When the one you love is careless with the delicate gift you have entrusted them with, when they speak words or even worse speak nothing at all - void of emotion - Oh, I have a hurting heart. Not like the broken and shattered one of my childhood, the emptiness of never having been loved, the brokeness of being beat so many tim...

I want to help others but I can't help myself. I love and know God and trust Him too, but that doesn't stop my brain from being a jumbled mess.  Jumbled thoughts can be pretty! Scattered thoughts keep bombarding me.  I feel like a rattle-head.  I think I wrote once about this before, being a rattle-head . And it was the least-read post...Even I couldn't relate to it much after the episode passed. I have cried out to God for help this morning and for the past two days. I have gone to others for prayer and carefully, with exercising great inner control tried to explain to my family of three teens and my dear husband (I almost didn't want to say dear, oh, how hard it can be on a marriage--to twirl out of control and to not know why or how to make the top stop spinning). I don't know what pushed the top into its first spin.  And that is part of the problem I can't think clearly. I can't remember even simple things.  It is like the f...