Leave me alone, I am in pain.
I don't need to be around people, I am in pain.
People hurt me, I am in pain.
I do not get hurt by books, by food, by clouds and rainbows. Or cats, and clothes, or trees that blow in the wind....
No, just by those I think are friends.
People hurt me; they don't understand me.
My arms feel so heavy underneath, I know this is the first sign of overload.
My heart has a hole, pierced one to many times in life.
My eyes are filled with drops of sorrow, sadness and regret.
My mouth is tight, clenched, frozen, no words want to go.
Why am I different?
Why do I have to hurt so much, all the time, so easily, by so many....
So many days, so many people, so many ways.
When does my cup of torment forever filled up to be more than "enough"?
Is it because I so love You, God, that I am such a target of your enemy?
"But you have not endured blood sweat tears," the wise one jeers.
"God will never give you more than you can handle," says another.
"All things work for good for those who love the Lord" is the promise that we quote.
Why do some people in life get more suffering than most?
Some people get more money, others get more travel, and another gets more pleasure.
Some get more talents, another gets more intelligence and some get more pain.
How do You - God - pick out the child of Yours that needs more pain to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus? Or do you let Satan sift through those who claim to be your followers? Do you let him choose the "best"? Wouldn't it be better for him to pick those who are iffy about you... you know those pew warmers? Wouldn't they be easier to sway?
If all your children end up in heaven anyway, perfected in Your presence, why must some endure more evil to be transformed to good?
We will all be good in Your sight - in the fullness of Jesus - even, already are.... spiritually.
Why then must some people be thrown into the den of lions, another left at her captor's feet, and one lives all his days on earth in a slum? While others called Your children, float in fancy pools, and travel to the spectacular resorts in the world, and taste on the finest foods?
One child of Yours gets slapped, yelled at and put to shame,
the other is hugged, praised and awarded with acclaim.
Why? Did one receive hardship and the other given a lighter journey in life?
I don't understand the justice of this system. I know we are all different - nothing is equal or the same, but I have always rested on Your Word's of justice, truth, mercy, and grace. I never overlooked sorrow, suffering that brings sickness and insanity-- tormented by the demons, taunted by their words, ridiculed, trapped, and discarded.
One day I will be resurrected.
One day I will know joy. It is the hope within each breathe,
I walk by faith and not by sight, I believe every Word You've ever said.
Daddy, I want to come home. I want my life of hurt to end. I want to come home. I am waiting for Your call.
I praise you today, Your mercies are new each morning, but I will praise the day when I am dead,
Because I am so often in pain. The day I die I will finally be in eternal paradise with You and all my true brothers and sisters! I will be loved, appreciated, understood.
How can I not look forward to those days!
I don't need to be around people, I am in pain.
People hurt me, I am in pain.
I do not get hurt by books, by food, by clouds and rainbows. Or cats, and clothes, or trees that blow in the wind....
No, just by those I think are friends.
People hurt me; they don't understand me.
My arms feel so heavy underneath, I know this is the first sign of overload.
My heart has a hole, pierced one to many times in life.
My eyes are filled with drops of sorrow, sadness and regret.
My mouth is tight, clenched, frozen, no words want to go.
Why am I different?
Why do I have to hurt so much, all the time, so easily, by so many....
So many days, so many people, so many ways.
When does my cup of torment forever filled up to be more than "enough"?
Is it because I so love You, God, that I am such a target of your enemy?
"But you have not endured blood sweat tears," the wise one jeers.
"God will never give you more than you can handle," says another.
"All things work for good for those who love the Lord" is the promise that we quote.
Why do some people in life get more suffering than most?
Some people get more money, others get more travel, and another gets more pleasure.
Some get more talents, another gets more intelligence and some get more pain.
How do You - God - pick out the child of Yours that needs more pain to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus? Or do you let Satan sift through those who claim to be your followers? Do you let him choose the "best"? Wouldn't it be better for him to pick those who are iffy about you... you know those pew warmers? Wouldn't they be easier to sway?
If all your children end up in heaven anyway, perfected in Your presence, why must some endure more evil to be transformed to good?
We will all be good in Your sight - in the fullness of Jesus - even, already are.... spiritually.
Why then must some people be thrown into the den of lions, another left at her captor's feet, and one lives all his days on earth in a slum? While others called Your children, float in fancy pools, and travel to the spectacular resorts in the world, and taste on the finest foods?
One child of Yours gets slapped, yelled at and put to shame,
the other is hugged, praised and awarded with acclaim.
Why? Did one receive hardship and the other given a lighter journey in life?
I don't understand the justice of this system. I know we are all different - nothing is equal or the same, but I have always rested on Your Word's of justice, truth, mercy, and grace. I never overlooked sorrow, suffering that brings sickness and insanity-- tormented by the demons, taunted by their words, ridiculed, trapped, and discarded.
One day I will be resurrected.
One day I will know joy. It is the hope within each breathe,
I walk by faith and not by sight, I believe every Word You've ever said.
Daddy, I want to come home. I want my life of hurt to end. I want to come home. I am waiting for Your call.
I praise you today, Your mercies are new each morning, but I will praise the day when I am dead,
Because I am so often in pain. The day I die I will finally be in eternal paradise with You and all my true brothers and sisters! I will be loved, appreciated, understood.
How can I not look forward to those days!
I have asked the question many times myself-Why do some suffer terribly and constantly and yet others have a relatively good life with little sorrow/ trouble. I can relate to wishing to be home with father God and away from this pain, to be home and be loved, accepted, no more struggle. Job also can relate and Job also wished to go home to father God and leave the pain/ torment behind. Paul also when he was in prison wished to leave and go be with God/Jesus, he wanted this more than anything but said to God I know I may have to stay here because I have your work to do. Still Paul's feeling was first to go home to. Others do not understand and I wish people would say nothing or just acknowledge that is how you are feeling instead of unhelpful comments. As to the Why? I just don't know...I wish I did. Hugs, you are not alone in feeling this way. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder about Job and Paul.
ReplyDeleteI am strangely comforted by your words and amazed to know that others feel as I do. I have know an inordinate amount of pain in my life. Rejection, abandonment, neglect, abuse and torture from parents, bullying, sexual abuse, rape......many traumas. I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I have wanted to die from an early age, sadly. But I became a Christian when I was nine. I loved and trusted Jesus. Life has been painful, so I cherish so much the good moments. I do not understand the crue lty of people. I am extremely empathic and caring. I notice pain everywhere. Child abuse is rampant. I have wept over many children. I cannot wait for life to end. For some of us, the day of our death will be our best day. The unfairness of life is hard to bear. Thank you for sharing your truth so honestly.
ReplyDeleteI am strangely comforted by your words and amazed to know that others feel as I do. I have know an inordinate amount of pain in my life. Rejection, abandonment, neglect, abuse and torture from parents, bullying, sexual abuse, rape......many traumas. I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I have wanted to die from an early age, sadly. But I became a Christian when I was nine. I loved and trusted Jesus. Life has been painful, so I cherish so much the good moments. I do not understand the crue lty of people. I am extremely empathic and caring. I notice pain everywhere. Child abuse is rampant. I have wept over many children. I cannot wait for life to end. For some of us, the day of our death will be our best day. The unfairness of life is hard to bear. Thank you for sharing your truth so honestly.
ReplyDelete