Skip to main content

Drained - Rejected?

I don't know why I am so drained?

Nothing is wrong... no sickness, no big problems (we all have the daily little stuff).

It is more of lifeless, empty, (I hate to say this) BORED.

Out of my heart flows His Words.....


Yeah, yeah, I've said it before, "Bored? I will give you something to be bored about."

Many think if you set goals, work, plan, go.... you can avoid it.

The truth for my life is I am not purposefully plugged in to doing what God created me to do. I am like an artist without a canvas, a fashion-designer without fabric, a chef without food.

But sometimes I do have the supplies: the canvas, the paint, the brushes, the fabric or food... and what I am lacking is a place to be visible. I can paint a hundred canvases but if not one is ever seen - what purpose is my life? I can design closet filled with outfits but if one is never worn - why exert the effort? And I can make the most appealing meals with the finest of ingredients, but if no one ever taste them - it is a waste.

God created me to write, to speak, to teach.... I know it. I get weary of the energy it takes to promote myself, to network, to find small openings for my abilities.... I write, and write and write... journals and notebooks filled - in piles - around me.... if I look I see... I think...

Did I write that? That was good. What a message. What a needed teaching.

But I wait... and the doors do not open. I know His timing is perfect, and I don't mean to whine or complain, but there is something beautiful about life when you are allowed to receive from Him and let Him flow out from you... watering, seasoning, building, lifting up, rescuing, renewing..... the list goes on.....



It is than, that I could return back allowing God to pour in more.... so I could purposefully pour out more...

Commitments scare me. What if I don't follow through? What if I take on too much? What if I spiral out of stability? Not that I would shame myself, but that I would let Him and others down... that I would be crossed off the list of highly valued people (HVP). I am not seen as a HVP. Are you?

I hear of this person, and that person... of what they are getting to do... and I know I would blossom in such a role... I offer, I ask, I inquire, I propose.... but no one ever calls.

Am I marked?
What do they see of me?

Is there a permanent "damaged" "broken" "needs repair" "trash" "reject" label on my face that I can't see?

I wait, and wait some more. Ever so patiently I continue to build my skill, help others, hide in the shadows.... and see others called on, see others invited, see others be asked....

Am I invisible? I do not know... honestly, I do not know. But this makes me sad, depleted, drained.... I want to be plugged in, to be trusted, to be allowed to be who I am.

God, when? how? what?

Am I just spinning? Am I running up the wrong ladder? Am I reaching out and not seeing your hand is no longer in that place. Oh, God. I don't want to waste any more time in my life. I have already missed about 50 years.

I don't often ever pray for myself. But here I go, like a little child... timidly walking out on the big stage to audition... to say my lines and hope my name will be on the casting list when it is finally posted. God, you know me, you have all access to opportunities... Is it time? Can you send some offers my way?

Here I am, Lord, Use me.....
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

We always love to have reader input, feedback, thoughts.

Popular posts from this blog

Weak and Selfish - I am That Girl

The preacher says we are all the body of Christ...that each member is necessary, a part that functions in unison with all others, but God, in this life--in our time spent on earth--in present day local churches, this is not really true. It sounds good, repeated over and over, because the Bible says so and therefore we all should. But churches seek the best, the ones that fit their mold, the ones who meet their mission, the one that helps their goal. They keep track of numbers, saving all the souls, running them through baptism, collecting them in the fold. But those of us with broken parts, not shiny like the rest, we hear what no one else hears, we feel words with our soul, we sense when something isn't right, therefore we get left out in the cold. Who wants to work with such a pain, she is trouble where she goes, she stirs the pot and sifts for truth, she sees the thorns and not the rose. Why can't she just be silent, "if you don't like...
5 comments
Read more

I Want To Be Normal

I want to help others but I can't help myself. I love and know God and trust Him too, but that doesn't stop my brain from being a jumbled mess.  Jumbled thoughts can be pretty! Scattered thoughts keep bombarding me.  I feel like a rattle-head.  I think I wrote once about this before, being a rattle-head . And it was the least-read post...Even I couldn't relate to it much after the episode passed. I have cried out to God for help this morning and for the past two days. I have gone to others for prayer and carefully, with exercising great inner control tried to explain to my family of three teens and my dear husband (I almost didn't want to say dear, oh, how hard it can be on a marriage--to twirl out of control and to not know why or how to make the top stop spinning). I don't know what pushed the top into its first spin.  And that is part of the problem I can't think clearly. I can't remember even simple things.  It is like the f...
5 comments
Read more

Another Lost Day! (Life after child abuse trauma)

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...
3 comments
Read more