Shattered Glass Life After Abuse

Not Sure Why or How I feel when my insides rattle... My insides shake beneath my skin, especially in my arms. Something rattles out of balance, moving sporadically through me, like a washer spinning wildly because the load inside needs an adjustment. With very choppy comments, I clip too close at people and their words. Back off! Stop! "Can't others see I am not normal right now? Don't they know I need space and an extra dose of grace?" I question. Maybe it is truth - that people don't look out for the needs of others ... they are looking too closely at what they want. What about me? Do I? I try. I didn't always know how... it is a skill. A lesson that must be learned: how to take your eyes off of your wants and needs to consider what is happening inside of another person. -------------- Don't you see her shake? I do. My friends leg moves so rapidly like a bobbin bouncing loosely as the thread swirls it up and down, round and round. I...

My eyes close and I drift away. As if drawn by some power stronger than myself, and left drained off all my energy. My head easily flops back against the pillow resting on the headboard... not another day, another wasted day to sleep. I want to wake, as I stagger out of bed. My feet find the floor, and I try to steady myself as I sway. I love living, people, being actively alert and alive, but my head slides down upon the other pillow. I toss from one to another, but want awake. Maybe I didn't get out of bed after all, maybe it was a strong desired dream. Heavy eye lids, quiet words - none spoken. Lifting up my head again, I realize I drifted, slept, maybe lost a few hours, no minutes or many even seconds... it is so hard to assess. Dissociative Fog can be numbing, debilitating, confusing... I slide a little further down my bed until I am nestled underneath the fluffy comforter with my head on the over-sized sham pillow.... comfort, relaxation.... sleep. Hours later I a...

Stillness quickens in my ears... deeper going, fear to hear. Do you see it? Can you care? Is she someone... see her reaching out her hand. Twisted, withering, brittle hand... If you touch her, she must just break. Slap back! Shutter... What could she want? Frightened, fearing.... what's she done? Can we trust her? Do we dare? See her covered by her hair? She is looking out, no one's looking in.... no one sees her, no one cares. No one reaches to her hand. She is looking inside, nothings ever easy. She's coming undone. Loose thread, twirling, round and round.... Spider webbing, not a sound. Will we loose her, where did she go? Too much trouble to find her now. I can't reach... I can't go there... I don't wanta... I am scared. Smash. Crash. Splash. Cutting deeper into what remains. Who is with her? Why's she cry? Do not loose her, before she dies.... always bleeding, when will it stop... always peeling, when will it stop... always tearing, when will...

So many hurting are hiding, invisible to many. O K, I wrote this yesterday and chickened out with tons of doubts and removed it. Now that I realize I was listening to a lot of comments being sent my way by the enemy... I am putting it back up. "Oh, me of little faith!" If you are interested in helping organize a non-profit ministry for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, child abuse and trauma, please contact me. So often the world sets up organizations to be there for hurting, but they don't have the real answers. I am hoping to set up a ministry that really make a permanent difference in hurting survivors lives. God is laying the vision of such a ministry on my heart, therefore, I am looking for a team of like-minded Christians to prayerfully lead. God uses each of our abilities and gifts for His ministry.  Check out the document for more information about Living Visible Ministries  Lindy Abbott 

Another one.... another lost day.... they add up so much... so many lost days. Running on the inside, hurting on the outside. Words, oh so many words.... healing, clinging, cutting through, knowing, telling me what to do. And do I do it, or must I wait? And who can do it, or must I stay? Running on the outside, hurting on the inside. No one will see.... how they hurt me... No one will know.... pass by so slow. And does it really matter? Can it make sense? Is it so important? Looking through a lens..... Running for a living, hurting cause I'm dying. no hope, no flight, no chance, no life..... crystal spinning..... little eye lids close.... Is there any hope? Will it really help? Who will reach her know? No one seems to know? And does it really matter? Does anybody care? A blimp in the universe, with who will she share..... Can you hear it, getting louder, bellow screaming, shouting sounder? I can't hear a word. I can't see a sound. How can it be? I d...

so tired.... so tired..... I don't want to live any more. I am so tired. I have tried, and tried. Worked so very hard to be better, to be a person, to be functional, to be normal. Some would say I have .... I have done so good... I have made progress... My life is better... It is always getting better... but I know the truth......... I know I will never be OK, I will never be like others, I will never be normal, I will never assimilate, fake it til you make it doesn't really work. A life of failures.... I feel so sorry for my husband, his family, my children, friends who have crossed my path, people who just will never try or understand..... Yes, I am mad.... but I am also sorry, and angry, and sleepy, and hurting, and giving up. What reason do I have to fight?

I try to be uplifting and positive. I hope for a better me, a better day. I see things differently in my head before they occur than after I actually interact with the world. Should I try to hang on...............................? So much... nearly everything that I try ... crumbles, crashes, slips and breaks, explodes, cracks. What I see is positive, loving, giving, sharing, togetherness.... this is not reality.... and so I am hurt, slashed, hurt, disappointed.... really does anyone care, why do I sit here and share my over-bleeding emotions and heart... I really think sometimes I do to try to hang on.... to feel like if I will never be able to do anything, at least I can be a witness for some other soul - dark soul - hollow soul - pained soul... to know others are often barely hanging on also. Is that a reason to be? Is that a purpose to breath? It is so difficult... when you want to experience normalcy.... to be a mom, wife, friend.... nobody famous, nobody special .... j...